


A Burning Rose is Still a Flower

by CultureQueen



Series: Floriography [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Friends With Benefits, I thought about this and made myself sad so I wrote it, Jaemin's 3000 percent in love can't you tell, Light Angst, M/M, Renjun's an artist and Jaemin is his muse, Romance, Sad Ending, Unconventional Relationship, commitment issues, kind of???????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 05:36:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19941064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CultureQueen/pseuds/CultureQueen
Summary: It made Renjun feel guilty, knowing he was hurting them in some way. Denying Jaemin the thing he wants the most, sticking around and holding him by a thread. Renjun denying himself the potential for happiness, settling for the poor excuse of a relationship they have now.It wasn’t even a real relationship.





	A Burning Rose is Still a Flower

**Author's Note:**

  * For [acrazyworldofdreams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/acrazyworldofdreams/gifts).



Vanilla and rose.

That was the scent that filled the space of the spacious studio apartment. The candles cast a soft glow on the barely covered body draped over the futon, highlighting the light tan of the occupant’s skin. A lazy smile graced the man’s face as he watched the object of his affection from across the room.

“Quit smiling, you’re messing up my lines.”

“I can’t help it. Who am I if I’m not?”

“You’re still you minus the fact that I have to erase what I’ve done with your mouth.”

An artist he was, and a damn fine one too. Huang Renjun took pride in his work, finding peace in the careful strokes of his charcoal against the paper. This drawing pad required an easel, a small hassle in the name of art. He glanced quickly between the steady movement of his hand and his lover from across the room.

“Can you turn your head to the right just a little,'' he asked, motioning with his left hand.

“I thought you didn’t want me to move?”

“Jaemin.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Jaemin tilted his head as requested, showing off more of his defined jawline.

“Perfect. Thank you.”

From the outside, this seemed like any other business transaction. Renjun pays Jaemin to model for his work and nothing more than that. He wasn’t sure when that changed; when monetary exchanges became physical ones. 

It’s quite baffling if he was being honest.

“Okay, I think I’m done”, he said, stepping away from his work. He was a little dissatisfied with the way Jaemin’s hair turned out, looking more messy than effortlessly tousled. It bothered him so much that the didn’t respond to the gentle placement of hands on his shoulders and warm breath ghosting near his ears.

“It looks lovely.”

“I could’ve done a better job.”

“I think it’s beautiful as is.”

The hands on Renjun’s shoulders slowly dragged down to his waist and pulled him closer, bringing a small smile to his face. 

“You’re just saying that.”

“I have no reason to. I already have you, why would I need to lie about the quality of your work?”

_I already have you._

That was the thing about it, he didn’t. He had whatever he was allowed to receive from Renjun and nothing more. He’d always want more but the dark-haired man in his arms couldn’t give that to him. 

“Why don't we go take a shower”, Jaemin asked, already pulling Renjun into the direction of the bathroom. As he turned on the water, all he could think about was how much more beautiful this would be if they were actually together. If this was the relationship he craved for and not a meaningless fling that harbored strong feelings. 

They both stepped into the shower and immediately began to wash their bodies, helping each other remove the stress and buildup of the day. They helped each other wash their hair, something therapeutic for Jaemin. 

“Your roots are beginning to grow out”, Renjun said simply. 

“I’ll get around to it eventually.”

Jaemin rinsed his hair and turned to face the man, taking in all of his facial features. Renjun was beautiful and handsome and ethereal and every other word that could be used to describe how he looks. His gentle features held an air of command. He was someone that grabbed your attention and demanded respect; someone who’d love and fight at the same time. 

Jaemin couldn’t resist the feeling of pulling him in for a kiss. Of letting his hands roam over the smaller body and pushing him against the wall of the shower. The artist’s hands found their way against Jaemin’s cheeks, passionately returning his love. 

It made Renjun feel guilty, knowing he was hurting them in some way. Denying Jaemin the thing he wants the most, sticking around and holding him by a thread. Renjun denying himself the potential for happiness, settling for the poor excuse of a relationship they have now. 

It wasn’t even a real relationship.

Renjun felt guilty for all of the kisses, the hushed whispers and hand-holding. The knowing smiles, flushed cheeks, and soft sounds. He felt guilty for the laughter and for the closeness of their bodies as they reached something that could only be described as heaven. All of it made him feel sick and he didn’t know how much longer he could take it. He lightly pushed against Jaemin’s chest, much to the younger man’s confusion. 

“Is something wrong?”

“I just...we can’t...we should just go to bed.”

Renjun felt a sharp pain in his chest at seeing the hurt quickly flash across Jaemin’s features. Jaemin bit his cheek from the inside of his mouth and nodded.

“Okay.”

It didn’t take him long to dry off, get dressed, and brush his teeth, leaving Renjun alone in the bathroom. It hurt, it hurts so much. Jaemin was someone who wanted stability, a nice domesticated life with two kids and a dog. Renjun never wanted that, afraid of the feeling of being captive or confined. He loved to roam free. It was unfortunate that he also loved Jaemin.

He departure from the bathroom brought him to the sight of Jaemin already laying in bed. The candles had long since been blown out, the smell lingering in the air and mixed with the smoke from the snuffed wick. He crawled onto his side and turned away from Jaemin, pulling the blankets up to his chin for warmth. What he wasn’t prepared for was the shifting of Jaemin’s body and the feeling of long arms wrapping around his waist. 

“I know you plan on leaving again”, he said quietly.

“Jaemin…”

“You can’t help but stay on the move. I get it.”

“I’m so sorry.” He really meant it.

“I know.”

The soft kisses placed on the back of Renjun’s neck did nothing to ease him. They only brought forth a silent bout of weeping that burned him from the inside.

They set each other on fire, an eternal burn that engulfed them without warning. They didn’t ask for this but the universe could be cruel like that. 

+++

The next morning Renjun’s side of the bed was empty. Cold. On the other side of the room was his easel, turned in Jaemin’s direction. A canvas sat upon it, housing a painting of a rose floating in the water and surrounded by a ring of fire. Jaemin examined the work before coming across a torn piece of drawing paper.

_You deserve someone who won’t run away_

Maybe so.

But there was comfort in the uncertainty of their relationship, of knowing that despite everything, Renjun did love him. Even if he couldn’t bring himself to show it. 

Jaemin lit incense and watered the potted roses on his balcony, patiently waiting for the return of his lover.

_Rose: Genus - Rosa, Family - Rosaceae. Symbol of love, beauty, and passion_

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think


End file.
